Every Sunday, we pledge to “speak the truth with love” in our unison covenant. I hear these words sometimes used in difficult conversations, and I appreciate their honesty. And I wonder what more is being asked of us if we are to live into this promise and to fulfill the words that follow, “and to help one another.” Come and explore how we can ground ourselves and live into our promises of love.
Reading
This teaching is spoken by the wisdom teacher Yajnavalkya
to his wife, a passage about the nature of love to transcend
the ego-self to the higher Self:
A husband love his wife, or his husband, not for his own
sake, but because a reflection of the Divine Mystery lives in
them.
A wife loves her wife, or her husband not for her own sake,
but because a reflection of the Divine Mystery Self lives in
them.
Children are not loved for their own sake, but because a
reflection of the Divine Mystery lives in them…
The universe is loved, not for its own sake, but because a
reflection of the Divine Mystery lives in it…
Everything is loved, not for its own sake, but because a
reflection of the Divine Mystery lives in it.
Your reflection of the Divine Mystery has to be realized. Hear about this and meditate upon it.
Meditation
In the creation story in the Bible, God bless the third day twice. In the first blessing, God calls the bare land “Earth,” and saw that it is good.
In the second blessing, the bare earth brings forth sprouting growth, and again God saw that it is good.
For us English speakers, it may be hard to understand the significance of the word “and” in both blessings. In Hebrew, the word “and” is used in a past tense that relies on a verb in the future sense. Jewish commentary tells us that when God saw creation is good, it is divine sight that is not so much visual but an element of knowing. To “see” in the creation story means to know
and to understand bareness or vulnerability, and then to create a future with that knowing, a future of growth, generative and protective.
For this reason, in the Chassidic tradition, the most popular day for Weddings is Tuesday, the third day of the week. A day that God blesses twice.[1]
Please join me in the spirit of prayer and meditation,
Spirit of Life, Spirit of love which holds us and blesses us with protection and growth,
We gather in reverence and thanks for You.
We are grateful for the gift of another breath,
and for each moment of connection, beauty, and truth.
Cry with us in our pain for our world.
Remind us that we are loved, just as we are.
Remind us that we are connected with all that is.
and that we do not journey alone.
Give us what we need for today.
Call us back to our promises, commitments, and values.
Help us love ourselves and each other,
And to show that love in our actions.
Make us instruments of justice, equity, and compassion.
Free us from all that is evil.
We declare that life and love are stronger than tyranny and fear,
That a world of beauty and love is coming,
And we must shape it together.
May it be so. Amen.
Singing Response:
I see you and the healing work you do
as the doorway to all hearts
May we be the reflection that you see
Pure love, Pure love
Healing love, healing love
Inclusive love, healing love
I see you
Reading by Virginia Safford
Covenant is a promise I keep to myself, about the kind of person I want to be, the kind of life I mean to have, together with other people, and with all other living things. When we welcome babies in our church, when we welcome new members into the community, when we celebrate the love of beaming couples, when we ordain new ministers, we speak not in the binding language of contract, but in the life-sustaining fluency of covenant, from covenir, to travel together. We will walk together with you, child; we will walk together with you, friend; we will walk together with each other toward the lives we mean to lead, toward the world we mean to have a hand in shaping, the world of compassion, equity, freedom, joy, and gratitude. Covenant is the work of intimate justice.
Sermon
Every Sunday we begin our worship by saying “ love is the spirit of this church, promising to speak the truth in love” Words by which we are choosing to center and affirm our life-sustaining interdependence, and to ask to what larger love, to what people, principles, values, and dreams shall we be committed? Though the words remain the same week after
week, they pulse with the ebb and flow of our individual lives. Sometimes though I promise that I will “dwell in peace,” I don’t live peacefully at all: by Monday afternoon or Tuesday at the latest, I’m living fearfully again, or acting self-servingly. I say that I will “seek and speak the truth in love,” but then I forget, by closing my ears and shutting down my open mind and heart, seeking instead the validation of my own narrow, safe opinion. I say, “Our great covenant is to help one another,” and then I forget to do it.
That’s why I love singing the round in our hymnal based on Rumi’s invitation, “Come, come, whoever you are.” Whenever I sing it, I think of one line that doesn’t appear: “Though I’ve broken my vows a thousand times.” Because I am held in and held to a covenant—with you and with others, I sing the line from another hymn, “We forgive ourselves and each other; we begin again in love.” That’s how I remember: a covenant is an aspiration to go deeper in relation to ourselves, to our best intention, to our God, and to each other.[2]
A few months ago, The Worship Committee and I decided to forgive ourselves and begin again in love. Changes in committee leadership, church staffing, and a newly arrived minister, had us in some difficult conversations and wondering what does speaking the truth in love really look like? We realized right off the bat, speaking the truth with love means having difficult conversations. Which we have been practicing, celebrating both our failures and our successes. This worship service emerged from this process and we are grateful for the chance to share with you some of what we are learning and also to say we want to continue learning with you, finding out what you know about this art form of speaking the truth with love. Because we know difficult conversations don’t just happen at church. I spent the last few weeks asking my family and friends what they are grappling with by way of difficult conversations.
One friend overheard her mother-in-law telling a neighbor that her sons are spoiled and undisciplined. She is spending next weekend at her mother-in-law’s house and she is not sure the two of can get through the week without a confrontation.
-Another friend said that a project he was working on took twice as long as he told the client it would. He can’t afford not to bill for the extra time, and he dreads telling his client.
-A friend of my daughter wants to tell her father how much she loves him, but fears that the intimacy might make both of them feel awkward.
Do you have any you want to add to the list? We can probably add the nearly universal difficult conversation of what to do when the neighbor’s dog never stops barking? Right? Or when someone at home or at work keeps leaving a mess in the communal kitchen. You feel stuck. You spend weeks talking yourself out of saying anything because you want to be nice and liked. But then finally you reach the end of your rope, and you say your truth with the force of a thousand hours of frustration. Maybe it even looked something like this.
Beverly: Oh brother look at this, once again the sink is full of dishes! Gosh if I wanted to clean up after people I’d have stayed home and picked up after my kids! What pigs! I think it is mostly our boss that leaves her stuff in the sink. She is so entitled and expects people always to do her bidding. I can’t stand it. Someone should say something to her.
Jim: It is kind of messy and inconsiderate, why don’t you say something to her.
Beverly: Oh no I couldn’t, I don’t think she likes me, you say something to her you have worked here longer, she likes you, she will listen to you, she won’t listen to me I’m a nobody. (under her breath) Just the person who Picks up after everyone. But don’t tell her it is coming from me, I’m afraid she’ll like me even less then.
Jim: Well ok, I can see you’re really upset, I’ll go talk to her. (walks over to the boss)
Jim: Hi Boss, how are you? Got a minute?
Tracey: Oh well kind off, what’s up?
Jim: Well there are some people who work here that feel you should pick up after yourself more.
Tracey: What? What are you talking about?
Jim: Well there are just some people who are frustrated by all the dishes in the sink and fell you are responsible.
Tracey: OK I’m really confused, who are these people? And why are they blaming me?
Jim: Oh they don’t feel comfortable with you knowing who they are, they want to stay anonymous. It’s just a general feeling in the office that you don’t pick up after yourself.
Tracey: Oh my goodness! Are you telling me all the staff feel this way about me? Crimmy, I think I might have left my dished in the sink a handle for times but so were other people, wow I have so much going on here and at home, now I feel like all the staff are against me. I’m feeling pretty hurt and angry. Employees need to focus on their work and less on me. [3]
I think we can all agree this is a difficult conversation gone awry, but one we can celebrate by learning from it. Douglas Stone in his book about difficult conversations, tell us that in every difficult conversation there is more going on than meets the ear, that we need to understand what the people involved are feeling and thinking but not saying to each other. The gap between what is being felt and thought and what is said is what makes the conversation difficult.
To every difficult conversation says Doug, there is three conversations going on at once. The first is a “what happened conversation” which always involves a disagreement between what happened and who is to blame. Here Beverly thinks Tracey is always leaving her dishes in the sink, and Tracey thinks she is just doing what everyone else does. Then there is the feeling conversation. Beverly feels disrespected and Tracey is anxious about a situation at home. After Jim speaks to her, Tracey feels underappreciated and misunderstood Lastly, there is the identity conversation which is the internal conversation we have with ourselves to figure out what this conversation means for who we are. Beverly desires to be validated as a new employee, and Tracey wants to be known as a compassionate boss. Both identities are at risk in this conversation. Pretty high stakes. No wonder this is so difficult. What do we do? In any difficult conversation, there are things we can’t change, like Beverly’s newness, or Tracey’s situation at home. But we can control how we respond to them. Listen now to how Jim responds differently this time, and how his response makes a world of difference.[4]
Take Two
Beverly: Oh brother look at this, once again the sink is full of dishes! Gosh if I wanted to clean up after people I’d have stayed home and picked up after my kids! What pigs! I think it is mostly our boss that leaves her stuff in the sink. She is so entitled and expects people always to do her bidding. I can’t stand it. Someone should say something to her.
Jim: It is kind of messy and inconsiderate, why don’t you say something to her.
Beverly: Oh no I couldn’t, I don’t think she likes me, you say something to her you have worked here longer, she likes you, she will listen to you, she won’t listen to me I’m a nobody. (under her breath) Just the person who Picks up after everyone. But don’t tell her it is coming from me, I’m afraid she’ll like me even less then.
Jim: Well, I’m not comfortable getting in the middle of this. Tell you what, if you’re not comfortable speaking directly to the boss, why don’t I come with you for support. But you’re the one who is upset by this so I really think it should come from you.
(they walk over to the boss)
Jim: Hi Boss got a minute?
Tracey: Well, kind of, what’s up?
Jim: Well, we had some concerns about the office cleanliness and wanted to discuss it with you.
Beverly: Yes you see, I feel like you leave your dishes in the sink for other people to have to clean up after you and it feels unfair.
Tracey: What? I don’t do that, do I? Let me think. I know lately I have been a little preoccupied with all that is going on here and at home, but it wasn’t my intention or expectation that you would clean up after me. I’m sorry you felt you had to do that. It is definitely not how I want you spending your time. I really value the work you do.
Beverly: You do? I thought you didn’t like me.
Tracey: No no no don’t be silly, I’ve just been really busy lately and there is stuff going on at home, I haven’t shared with people at work, I’ll try to do a better job washing out my dishes. Boss walks away
Jim: So how do you feel now?
Beverly: yea, you know, she is a lot nicer than I gave her credit for. I was thinking she didn’t like me and I think that’s why I got so made about the dishes. I hope everything is alright at home.
What’s different this time? For one Jim didn’t act as Beverly’s savior by taking on her issues, something commonly known as unhealthy triangulation. Instead Jim compassionately makes space for Beverley and Tracey to be vulnerable with their feelings. Douglas Stone says that having a difficult conversation without making space for the emotions is like listening to opera without music. Feelings are at the very center of difficult conversations. Given the chance to express their feelings Tracey and Beverly hear each other’s intentions, and understand the unintentional impacts of their behavior. Gone too are their projections about each other as employee and boss, they interact as equals. Thanks to Jim’s invitation, they speak their truth in love by seeing and affirming each other’s divine worth and complexity.
But there is something else present the second time that missing the first time, anyone? Trust. By the end of the conversation, they all trust each other. It’s a little like a catch 22, because speaking the truth in love creates an atmosphere of trust, so the more you do it, the more trust happens. But I wonder is trust a given? I was talking to a minister friend whose church seems to think it is. They promise in their covenant to interact in an atmosphere of trust. What do you think, is trust something we can promise, and if so what are the qualities of trust?
I don’t know about you, but I always get a little worried when someone who doesn’t know me says they trust me. I always wonder what they are trusting me to do? I worry that they might trust me to be who they would be if they were me. You know, they say to themselves, “if I was a minister, I would….or if I was the boss, I would…” Do you ever have these conversations to yourself? I wonder too if they trust me to be a friend the way they would be a friend. Or maybe they are trusting me to keep secrets I should not keep. Or they are trusting me to have the same values they do, to look at things the way they do? To be cool the way they are?
I’ve had people come to me, time and time again, and tell me, “I thought she was my friend!” their voices distressed and sad. “A friend wouldn’t do that,” they say. Perhaps that is not how that person thinks about friendship. Maybe a friend would do that, in their system of friendship. All to say, if you imagine people will be like you, or who you want them to be, you will be disappointed. Someone at my last church told me once, that she thought trust meant that the other person would never hurt her emotionally. It’s trust like that I find unnerving, because when you’re in a larger community, trying to get things done, talking together about deep things, and we don’t know the issues about which each person is sensitive, it’s possible that someone’s feelings will get hurt. Then they’ll think “Oh no! I trusted you!”
So, knowing what someone is trusting me to do is important. I think about people I’ve disappointed and I wonder do they know I want to be the person they want me to be, even though, over and over, I’m just able to be the person I am? Do they know that I’m trying my hardest, even if I fail? Mostly, when it comes to speaking truth in love, I think you can trust people to be who they are. That’s a pretty safe bet. You can land here, in this beloved community, trusting people to be who they are. And know they are trying. (5) I have witnessed trust happen here, like the “take two” conversations you just witnessed and it is beautiful. I wonder if the authenticity that you discover here, your sense of being seen, of knowing your inherent worth and dignity in the divine mystery makes it possible to see the same in another and in that seeing trust that together you can come to an understanding, a sense of knowing each other that makes a small claim of that divine mystery, a knowing that blesses the entire community with a sense of intimate justice. A justice that generates a spirit that makes visible the love of this church, our love, who we are together.
Sing with me…I see you …
Sources:
[1] Book Entitled “Grammar of God” chapter on Love
[2] UU World, and Victoria Safford’s reflection on covenant
[3] Script written by Kerry Alexander, Member of Worship Committee. In addition to Kerry the Didi Chadran and Mary Krause were actors.
[4] Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
[5] Inspiration drawn from Meg Barnhouse’s reflection on Trust in SoulMatters worship packet